They say you can never go Home...

Soldiers of Sparta were allowed to return home after lost battles, only if carried dead upon their shields. I'm convinced this is a more practical and time-saving way to go about it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Other Side of Glasnost, Part Deux

I will be the first to admit freely that, having been able to hold Virgin Status for so long, may be an indicator of a few mental problems. However, if I may get all supercilious for a moment, I have spent several hundred dollars in psychotherapy, agonizing over the question of Should I or Shouldn't I just get the dirty deed done. And my psychotherapist has explained that the reasons for my Choices (which really don't seem like choices) are complex and not a little bit justifiable, based on, you know, my Life. So everyone can just Fuck Off a little bit!

But here's what I do know about myself, either as a consequence of being a virgin, or because I simply am a Hopeless Cause:

1) I dislike aggressive women
2) I dislike being coerced, or manipulated
3) I dislike feeling boxed in, beholden to, or accountable for, my time.

4) I am, in any given relationship:
a) Somewhat fearful and hypersensitive about possibly being
I. manipulated
ii. hurtful
iii. boxed in
iv. held by the balls.

As a result, I have become supremely good at (I imagine) frustrating girls.

I'm 27, and I can openly say that I'm not willing to make time or entertain the possibility of a long-term relationship. It's a distraction to the concentration required to maintain the almost monastic asceticism I use to get through life. Do I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome?

The answer is, I couldn't give two shits. I am much more interested in WHY I feel that my ability to remain so detached, so separate from the rest of humanity--that humanity which must be tossed with the tides of sexual compulsion, that churning miasma of [the concept of] love that keeps a body safely at bay from ever achieving comfort within their own skin--why I feel that this bestows upon me an almost Promethian power?

I feel powerful, I feel vindicated, I feel superhuman.

I feel weak, I feel scared, I feel so incredibly dead inside.